Hi Everyone! Most people wouldn’t knowingly take a wrecking ball to their relationship, yet it happens every day, in thousands of small, destructive ways…and some big ones too, like serial cheating. But are some “risks” worth it? Like travelling alone with still-single friends? Questions are already being posted, the chat starts at noon. I look forward to hearing from you!
by Ellie 9/18/2013 2:17:26 PM
Welcome Everyone! His fiancée wants to take a job overseas…initially without him. Her husband’s constantly talking about his “great” new female assistant. Risking their relationships? We learn from each others’ experience. I’ll answer the early two questions and then yours. And I’ll be live-tweeting during the chat @ellieadvice.
by Ellie 9/18/2013 4:00:34 PM
SlimJim-She’s taking several risks, but the one to your comfort level and sense of being demeaned affects the relationship directly.
Instead of talking about cheating which suggests you distrust her, talk about the insult you feel, and that she’d feel the same if you hung out with single guys while they picked up and had sex with women.
by Ellie 9/18/2013 4:01:06 PM
She’s also risking herself, which you can tell her worries you. These guys are strangers, could be dangerous, or just drunk, drugged, aggressive and insistent on having both women, or bringing an equally aggressive, determined friend along for “the other woman”…your wife.
by Ellie 9/18/2013 4:01:31 PM
Brian – Understood! How would you handle SlimJim’s situation? It helps to know what others think!
by Ellie 9/18/2013 4:02:34 PM
JaneD - He’s certainly ignoring your “Stop” sign.
Tell him he may think you’re being silly or overreacting, but this is an unusual situation of “too close for comfort” since this woman’s with him every day.
by Ellie 9/18/2013 4:02:58 PM
If he continues to ignore your feelings, he’s playing loosely with the ties that bind. Tell him so. Couples have to hear each other, and know when some behaviour’s crossing the line.
by Ellie 9/18/2013 4:03:17 PM
Note this: An open “crush” is worse than a silent fantasy that just revs up sex with your own partner. The crush, revealed often as he’s doing, feels like a comparative put-down to the spouse who’s supposed to accept it as ok. It’s not.
by Ellie 9/18/2013 4:03:37 PM
Anni – Being insecure CAN become disruptive … how does it occur in your relationship, and does it help in any way to solve the problems?
by Ellie 9/18/2013 4:04:17 PM
Insecurity can make someone easily jealous, and/or unable to accept that the other person truly loves them.
by Ellie 9/18/2013 4:04:31 PM
Is this happening with you?
by Ellie 9/18/2013 4:04:43 PM
Simply Simple – Sounds like you’re willing to be on the edge of “risky” regarding his feelings, since he was cheated on before, in order to feel you’ve got game.
But doesn’t his three-year attachment to you feel like having value, being loved, attractive to him?
by Ellie 9/18/2013 4:05:20 PM
We all like being admired anew… but you know that for this guy, it’s risky.
You’re so right about secret texting. Anything hidden from your relationship would raise concerns in him.
by Ellie 9/18/2013 4:05:38 PM
No Whip – I think having to lie and sneak somewhere is worse than being “whipped” because it shows lack of character.
Decide – is this the woman you love and want to be with forever? Are there other ways/places you can keep up your buddy friendships?
by Ellie 9/18/2013 4:06:46 PM